The Top Ten

Yay! I've compiled a list of my top ten viral videos from around the web! Get excited. And then watch every single one. If you don't, I'll know.

10. The Ghost Car
I actually hate this one, so let's get it out of the way first. Seriously, this seemingly ordinary car does some crazy things.

9. The Russian Singer

Just. No comment.

8. The Cuppy Cake Boy

Isn't he cute? I may or may not have this song on my ipod.

7. The Ugly

Satire at its best. I feel so much prettier now!

6. The Banned Commercial

Kids: sex is bad. Just look what happened to this guy.

5. The WTF Blanket
Because normal blankets are for losers.



4. The WOW Freakout
His level 80 Paladin would be so disappointed.



3. The Goat Argument
This is what you get for POKING AN IBEX YOU STUPID, STUPID MAN.

2. The Tough Guys
*sniffle* It's just... so beautiful...

1. The Tangerine

I don't even know how to explain this one. It just gets in your head. And then it stays there. Tangerine.

Don't you feel so much more versatile now? Go conquer the world with your new repertoire! (Or maybe post some of your favorites?)

   

How to Break the Internet

   

When I'm bored, I commit to something. Whatever that something is, be it a book, videogame, crossword puzzle, or one of those fake lightsabers, I will beat that shit. Just give me an hour.

For me, the beauty of college is that boredom=procrastination. It was fate that I happened upon this internet game during one of my Shakespeare papers I was allegedly writing. The game changed my life. It holds a special place in my heart, and it will continue to divert my attention from important things as long as the internet isn't dead.

This game is "Bloons Tower Defense."

Look! It's a monkey. With a cannon.

Now admittedly, I was skeptical upon seeing the game appear on my screen: "Really? A game with monkeys and balloons? Whatever, it's trippy, I'll try it." The first levels went by slowly. And then suddenly I felt an overwhelming urge deep inside of me. It was an unhealthy urge, my grades can attest to that; however, it was an urge that made the endorphins flow. Screw exercise. I had monkeys.

Soon I was joining tournaments in my dorm. Together, my friends and I decreased the wireless internet signal by at least 75%. Nearby students couldn't complete their homework assignments due to our gaming aspirations. But it was okay, because our monkeys were pwning.

Example track. Go, monkeys, go!

Bloons Tower Defense is a game in which players use a variety of weapons--namely dart-throwing-monkeys, or monkeys with laser vision--in order to pop each balloon before it exits the track. As players pop more "bloons," more weapons become available (such as corrosive glue which eats through balloon layers every two seconds).

As the game progresses, the "bloons" become more devilish. Soon, blimps, DOUBLE BLIMPS, and even un-explodable balloons venture onto the track. It is your job to destroy them.

In no time at all, you may become THE SUPREME MASTER OF ALL THAT IS BALLOON-SHAPED AND POPABLE!

Even though you only have to endure 50 levels (50 rounds of balloons) before you win each track, that addictive edge inevitably kicks in. If you're anything like me, you will never be satisfied. Eventually, your map will look something like this:

Yes! Feel the wrath of my missiles and banana factories!

Wired Magazine calls "Bloon Tower Defense" "pop culture at its best." I couldn't agree more. (It's a sad fact, I know.) Anyway, make sure you play the latest version (4). Do it! Do it now!

Let the popage/time wasting begin!

http://www.ninjakiwi.com/Games/Tower-Defense/Play/Bloons-Tower-Defense-4.html

(or try the expansion levels):

http://www.ninjakiwi.com/Games/Tower-Defense/Play/Bloons-Tower-Defense-4-Expansion.html

 

The Manliest Man Currently Living

   

Meet Isaiah Mustafa, a.k.a. "The Old Spice Guy"

Way to go, advertisers! Finally there's a commercial involving a scantily-clad MAN prancing around the screen. And man, is he a man:

Reportedly, this was all done in a single take.

Originally a football player at Arizona State, Mustafa auditioned for a commercial with Old Spice in February, 2010. His Youtube videos now have over 10 million views, and his channel is the third most subscribed to of all time.

This guy is probably the best thing since women, except that he's a man. (Did I mention that he's a man?) Not only does he smell good, but his bathroom monologues are some of the most random/endearing/eloquent/unique things ever. My ears just about melted. I suppose it helps that his voice sounds like liquid chocolate, which flows from a mountaintop stream surrounded by exotic wildlife somewhere in South America.

Recently Mustafa has responded directly to Tweets on his Twitter page. As a result, he decided to create a series of personalized videos, which apparently were all ad-libbed. (Though how he comes up with subjects like bacon factories, top-hat-wearing-falcons, and giant octopus wrestling is beyond me.)

In one such video, Mustafa proposes to some guy's girlfriend on his behalf:

Oh, Old Spice Guy. You can propose to me any day.

According to CNN.com, people are so inspired by Mustafa's videos that parodies have begun blossoming. This one was created by university students. (They did it in 9 hours!)

If I weren't in a committed relationship, I may consider spending time on a private island in the Caribbean with Mr. Mustafa. But I suppose I'll just have to deal with erecting an elaborately-decorated shrine in his honor. Just kidding! Maybe.

So will I buy Old Spice products? Will I give into mindless capitalism because of some abs on a horse? There is a distinct possibility. How can you say 'no' to such a suave, self-assured manly man?

In this way, it seems that the Old Spice Guy is comparable to previous manly men. I'm sure we can all agree that the manliest man currently dead is Andrew Jackson.

What a beast.

    

Allow Time for Head Implosions

Consider the movie, Back to the Future (the only good thing that came from the 80s). Just kidding! There was also U2, Nintendo, and MTV.

If you have not yet seen the aforementioned epic series, which contains confounding time conundrums, please click here.

If you have, then perhaps you could illuminate the situation. I finally got around to watching all three movies. In a row. Naturally, I had a few questions, the most important of which is this: is the story a paradox?

Secksy.

According to trusty ol' Wikipedia, the definition of a time paradox is as follows:

"A paradoxical situation in which a time traveler causes, through actions in the past, the exclusion of the possibility of the time travel that allowed those actions to be taken.

The typical example is that of the grandfather paradox, wherein a time traveler goes back in time and kills his grandfather before his mother or father is conceived. It is a paradox because if this occurs, he will never be born, and therefore never be able to travel back in time to kill his grandfather, thus allowing himself to be born."

BECAUSE YOU'VE SEEN THE FIRST BACK TO THE FUTURE, you know that there are no grandfather killings. Instead my inquiry resides in character relationships: the scriptwriters make no mention of how Marty and Doc Brown know each other at the beginning of the movie. Does Marty work for Doc? Are they friends? Neighbors?

Emmett 'Doc' Brown. My hero.

I thought that because Doc Brown actually meets Marty in the past/1955, he simply sought out future Marty in 1985. Throughout the "Marty's-about-to-disappear-forever" ordeal, Doc emphasizes the danger of knowing one's own future. So perhaps Doc chose not to say anything too revealing until after Marty came back from the past. In this way, Doc Brown and Marty would not have met unless Marty went back to meet him in the past. And Marty would not have gone into the past unless he knew Doc Brown. Voilà! Paradox.

After watching Back to the Future 2 and 3, however, Doc explains to Marty that creating a time paradox would disrupt the space-time continuum, essentially 'sploding the universe. What they must create, then, is a time loop. They must alter as little as possible in the past or future, thus ensuring the consistency of the current 1985, but inevitably an alternate 1985.

For example, Marty and Doc Brown meet at Twin Pines Mall to perform Doc's time experiment. Yet after Marty accidentally enables the flux capacitor, sending him back to 1955 in the first movie, he runs over one of the pines.

See the difference?

We must remember that the 1985 to which Marty returns is not the same 1985 from which he left. Therefore Marty and Doc knew each other regardless of whether Marty went back in time or not. His going to 1955 just arranged an earlier meeting.

So, no paradox. Just alternate universes. Right?

THEN WHY DOES DOC HAVE THIS WESTERN-LOOKING GUN!?

Back to the Future 3, anyone?

It's Revolution Time

I have sweaty hands. It's gross, unnecessary and embarrassing, but that's not even the worst part.

Because of these,everything is approximately 107x slipperier.

Doorknobs= door + water

Pencil= pencil + water

Book= soggy book

Ice= double ice

Handshake= hands + slip 'n slide

For years I've had the great misfortune of watching people wipe their own hands after shaking mine. It kind of put me in an awkward position. On one hand (ha-ha), I could say I have a condition. But then people keep a noticeable distance from me, fearing that I may sweat on them. On the other hand, I could lie and say I'm nervous. In the end, though, I've decided to look for alternative greeting techniques. Thus far, there is only one possibility.

The fist bump.

Remember this?

Unlike other basic methods of greeting, the fist bump has infinite variations. According to this website, there are at least 35. (My favorite is the "Napoleon Bonapound"). The fist bump is an ingenious invention. No more having to worry about sweaty hands, palm germs, or if people used soap after peeing. This is raw knuckle action, man.

In this article, fist bumping is said to have originated in the 1970's with NBA players. (Though arguably it is credited to the Wonder Twins in Superfriends). Wherever it came from, the act of fist bumping is surprisingly easier to pull off than a high-five.

Say no to high-fives.

So anyway, let's all push for a National Fist Bump day in honor of those with slightly less socially-acceptable hands. Mmkay? How 'bout August 10th?

Also, this is the greeting of the future:

Need a read?

  

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo is a gesture toward women everywhere. Each chapter begins with a devastating fact about abuse and domestic violence. But then the Swedish author and journalist, Stieg Larsson, introduces us to Lisbeth Salander. And Lisbeth Salander is--I apologize but there really is no other way to describe her--one badass motherfucking chick.

Example badass motherfucking chick (Noomi Rapace)

I can't tell you exactly what Lisbeth Salander does, because somehow that would diminish the sickening joy you feel when she performs some of her badass antics. They're just too ball-crushing. I can tell you, however, that she rejects normalcy and patriarchal society in pursuit of a strictly reclusive, secretive lifestyle. She also doesn't let anyone influence her personal morals. And she rides a motorcycle. Naturally, I find myself increasingly infatuated.

Okay enough Salander appreciation. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo is a mystery/thriller novel (and a recently-released movie, but everyone knows you should read the book first). Anyway, journalist Mikael Blomkvist is framed and convicted of libel early in the story. Soon Blomkvist finds himself involved in an investigation of a gruesome series of murders and a missing girl. Cue Salander, who teams up with Blomkvist to kick butt and take names. Oh yeah. But that's all imma tell you.

Throughout the book, the plot does everything imaginable: it thickens, it twists and turns, and it spirals down an ever-darkening tunnel of ultimate doom, rendering readers mildly incapable of muscle movement. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating. But not really. Read it. Read it now.

You know you want to.

Alas, the mysterious past of the girl with the dragon tattoo cannot be contained in one volume. Thankfully, Stieg Larsson wrote three badass books before he died in 2004, all of which have since been published in English.

Believe me when I say that this book is captivating, masterfully paced, sometimes poorly translated from its original Swedish, intelligent and suspenseful. AND SUSPENSEFUL! It will leave you off the edge of your seat, squirming on the floor. In fact, I'm still there now. 

The Bieber Effect

Justin Bieber: the sixteen-year-old pop sensation who's sweeping the nation. We all know him. We all have some kind of one-way relationship with him, be it loathing or unwavering love.

Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus. Coincidence? No. They're the same person.

Peculiarly, many of Bieber's fans maintain imaginary romances with him. This so-called "Bieber Fever" can become so intense at his performances that fans will lose control of their limbs, flail violently toward the stage, foam at the mouth, and injure themselves in the process.

According to this article, psychologists recommend limiting Justin-Bieber-stalking-time to twenty minutes a day. (Apparently, some fans spend an average of seven hours every day following Bieber's every move on teh internets.) I feel like these people haven't heard of video games. Then again, maybe they're playing Justin Bieber video games.

But would there be this much widespread commotion/obsession if people knew the REAL Justin Bieber?



Well his album IS called: "My World". Maybe he's not as familiar with the real world.

Also,



I guess he doesn't know what glass is either.

The only possible conclusion that I can come to is that Justin Bieber is an alien: he's communicating with us through the power of song, sending telepathic, subliminal messages through phrases such as: "Like baby, baby, baby ohh."

So next time you hear Justin Bieber on the radio, don't wildly excalim, "OMG JUSTIN BIEBER YOU'RE LIKE TWELVE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT REAL LOVE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Instead, consider the possibility that the Earth is going to explode soon, and Justin Bieber was merely sent as a warning.